Sparkle, bubble, pop.

Well, I hope everyone had a super holiday! I was very happy to have the family in town. The three kids together were adorable, and mostly well behaved.

Unfortunately I got the flu on Christmas day, and was in bed for the next five days with no access to all the cuteness. I did get to catch up on old and/or cheesy movie watching though. I'm still a bit wobbly, but I did manage to make it out to work for a couple of hours today.

I have stuffed my computer to the gills with pictures, and have no room for uploading. I got various external drives, and will try to correct that situation ASAP. In the meantime, I am keeping a sharp eye out for a good deal on an old View Master style camera. I LOVED View Master reels as a kid, and would LOVE to be able to make my own.

I am feeling very emotional today. It is New Year's Eve, so it is to be expected. I am wishing the best for all of you, and also thanking you for all your love and support! :-) Happy New Year!

Mr Urbane

The Roomie and I

The best 80s Cover Band ever.

The fam.

Mrs and Mr KittyP cutting a rug.

Exactly how I feel.

Catching up with more old friends.

Catching up with old friends.

Mr Salsapants getting blown away.

Mr. Urbane's new furry guy.

Mammy and Pappy on a much deserved rest hike.

Ok, OK.

I KNOW!! I haven't posted anything in four months, but I've been busy.
We finished the house, and it is now on the market. It all seems like a dream now.
I went to NYC again to see my beloveds there. Then I came home, and came home. I went to Mrs. KittyP's hitching, which was great. Mis Cj has come to visit a few times, which rocks! I've spent the odd bit of time with Mr. Salsapants, and Mr Urbane. Mr. Urbane's furry, young man is bringing joy to one and all. I got a job driving around, which I don't like so much as I thought I would, but I won't keep doing it for long. At least I see the sun, and some insane houses. A-man has me making daily car reports about what I see each day. Miss EE is getting cheekier and chattier every day. The kids (all of them) are my joy. I am still wondering about my path/my purpose. I'll get there. Now, a story.

I went to get all my hair hacked off the other day, and then, after his haircut, A-man and I had some pancakes at IHOP, two doors down. It is amazing to see the little man he is becoming. We were eating, and all of a sudden he said, "Isabella's tooth is loose." We had a nice little chat about the tooth fairy, and I wondered if the idea of your teeth falling out was scary to him. Then, a few minutes later he turned and asked, "Do you love Mom?" I explained that I love,love,love,love,loved her, as I do all my loved ones. Then we proceeded to make lots of funny faces at each other.

I am looking very forward to the next few days with the family, and then the tropical days with the family soon there after.

Peace, love, and joy to you all.

Twins.

This morning I had a dream. I was pregnant. I have no idea who the father was, and in the dream it didn’t seem to matter. I was at the hospital getting ready for the births. There seemed to be some fussing about in regards to comfortable robes etc. Mammy and S were there. I was pretty calm. I was very specific with the nurses etc. NO vaccinations! I was lying around and nothing was happening. I got up and went for a walk. I was outside and S was with me. I think CJ might have been there too. I was talking to someone about the baby, and I looked down and realized my belly had gotten a lot smaller. I was a bit worried at first, until S said, “It is because the baby is most of the way out!” I looked down and she was right. I sort of thought, “WOW! How could I have not noticed!” She took the baby, and I remember seeing some goop (ICK!), and then she said something about the way it looked and that there was another baby. The other baby popped out with no problems. There was no pain and little effort in the process, and I remember thinking, “Walking really does make birth easier!” Both of the babies were boys, but they were total opposites. Of course they looked more like one year olds than newborns, but one had brown eyes and brown hair and the other had blond hair and blue eyes. I had very strong feelings about these boys. I loved them instantly and fiercely. It didn’t matter that the daddy was a complete mystery. The family was very excited, and I knew they would help out. I overall feeling was that I WANTED these boys, they were MINE, and that they were MEANT to be.

I have no idea what the boys were supposed to represent.

The way NOT to drive down the hill.

Miz. C.T.

My lovely Gnome friend.

Mr Shutterbug.

Mr. Letterwriter.

The Older Cutie.

Cutie

I'm the Auntie, he's the Uncle.

Behatted/Besotted Groom.

Happy Food equals Happy People.

Mr. Shipbuilder.

Long time...

Well six weeks later, visits South, sickness for almost all, lots of work, big fights, etc. etc. etc. I'm ready to get on with my life. I'm ready for my loved one's children to be healthy. I'm ready. :-)

I will attempt to add more details later.

Does anyone else think?

I'll admit it. I watch too much T.V. As a result, I see a lot of commercials. Raid has an ad out right now for a yellow jacket trap. They spend all sixty seconds going on and on about how the yellow jackets will die, DIE! Then, at the very end a voice comes on and says, "S.C. Johnson, a family company." Does anyone else think that is amusing, or at least odd?

Million Dollar view (we wish!)

The new porch in the rare June rain.

Yummy Maple!

Working up to it.

Well, Mammy and I have been here in the Sierra's having a gay old time. The work is still coming along, but still slowly. I feel like we are over the biggest part of the hump. The last day and a bit has been all about getting the hardwood laid in the big room. It is so beautiful, and it is SO nice to see it finally going in. It was one of the first things we started, so it has been a long time coming. It feels very odd to walk out of the hall and not step down.

Mammy and I have been playing our usual love/not so much love game. We are so much alike, that we drive each other crazy one minute, and then we can't get enough of each other the next. She, as always, makes me feel like a slacker with her crazy OCD energy. We have been having alot of fun in the evenings. We sit side by side, with our laptops going, watching Little House on the Prairie and As Time Goes By. We read each other bits of email, or odd news stories. We even had a "campfire" in the driveway one night (read brush fire). It is fun.

We were supposed to head back down the hill tonight, but we're pooped, and have a few more bits to do. I won't be back for a while, as I am off to TN/GA. I know it will be fun, but at the same time, I feel like I have to work up the energy to do it. However, I CANNOT WAIT to see the Upstairs Gang and the lovely CT. Going back to TN these days always raises the conundrum of whether or not I should try to see my Grandma. I love her, but seeing her is very hard for all involved parties. Any ideas?

I'm still amusing myself talking to certain gentlemen on line, but it sure would be nice to find a real, live one to hang out with. Mr. Urbane is off to the northeast, and I'm so glad...he really needs a break. I am also very proud of him, for he is always (in his own way) fighting the good fight.

More later.

Fire.

My stuff.

DMP, looking out for his next big thing.

See? JJ in print.

Mt. Tam en fuego.

Turning, turning, turning.

Sometimes I just plain over do it. The last week has been one of those times. I headed down the hill, escaping the stress and full of hopeful possibility.

The drive down was pretty good (I've done it so many times recently that I kind of slide into Zen Driver Mode). The Fam was full of sick people, so I headed straight into the city. I just happened to catch the sun burning a path through some clouds and down the back of Mount Tam. It was amazing.

I spent Friday putting around the apartment, doing lots of linens laundry left over from all my recent visitors. I then popped out for drinks and dinner with one of the dates. Nice fellow, but EH.

I couldn't sleep in on Saturday, so I dragged myself out of bed and off to JJ's 'hood. We were supposed to meet up for some breakfast at an unspecified time. I figured he'd been out the night before imbibing, so I was still giving him some slack after two text messages. I arrived on his doorstep and tried calling. No JJ. I wasn't quite ready to give up, and it was a beautiful SF day (I've got the sunburn to prove it), so I went to the corner for some coffee. I was sitting outside when a biker pulled up and said, "Can you watch my bike for a minute." I mumbled, "Sure." and looked at the bike. There was a big sticker right on it with JJ's last name. It was a sign. I was supposed to give him a few more minutes. The biker sat down with me to finish his coffee and chat a bit. Within minutes a very sleepy JJ called and told me to come on up. JJ's cat just died (a very sad thing!) so we chatted about this for a minute, then he said, "I'm off to shower. See if you can find anything funny in this." "This" was a Japanese men's fashion magazine called "Men's Fudge". Half way through, there was JJ sporting some rather nice Ralph Lauren. JJ, the Japanese super model. Too bad he didn't get to keep the clothes. We had breakfast and wandered around Valencia checking out the pirate store (I needed the final ingredient for Mr. Urbane's birthday present) and some antique places. It was oh so nice to walk and chat with a nice human. I then popped by the park to catch up with long lost DMP. Entirely too much hugging, but it was good to check in. I ran back home, put the finishing touches on Mr. Urbane's map, and met him at his place. We checked out a new place on Haight that was YUMMY! Everything about it was tasty and fun. On the way home he demonstrated just how relaxed he has gotten with me by sharing some bodily functions. How sweet!

Lunch with another date never happened on Sunday, but Mr Urbane called, and I was hungry, so off we went again. This time, we sinfully sat in a dark stinky bar instead of out in the park on yet another beautiful day. It was entertaining to see what he picked on the jukebox, and to watch him chit chat with the ladies. I got tired and headed home to get ready to hang out with DMP again. We walked and walked, had some good pizza, then he got grumpy when I explained I wasn't his "next big thing". Then I got horrified when he said he didn't like the Amelie character. Oh well.

Monday's date didn't happen, but I did get some much needed cleaning done, then some much needed slacking in. The whole weekend just made me feel like I was actually living in SF. Like I could actually meet and become friends with people. YAY!

I also spent some time chit chatting to the nice gentleman who filled me in on the rough time he is having. I do hope things start looking up for him.

Tuesday was all babies, with a bit of Tivoed Scrubs thrown in for good measure. I LOVE the babies! I didn't want to let them go, as they will be out of town for three weeks, and quite different upon their return.

I also got to see the Cuz's cute gang today on my way back up the hill. Boy oh boy do we have cute kids in this family.

Of course I arrived home to find a big stressful mess, but it will all work out.
Hope all of you are super!
Oh, and can I just say that Canadian fellow that is reporting on Missouri is so cool!

Strange Love.

Odd day. In a very peaceful mood. Spent most of the day sitting on the floor working on Mr. Urbane's birthday present. As a result, I traveled halfway across the country today and saw all kinds of new things. I hope he likes it and finds it inspiring.

I tried hard to be strong all day and resist the temptation of talking to a nice gentleman, but it got late and I lost all control. Now I can be very good and wait days and days to do it again.

The weather has been beautiful. Makes the SF fog very unappealing.

I seem to be unable to think beyond the next week or so. Maybe this is a good thing.

A few old friends have crawled out of the woodwork and some new ones have showed up. I must work very hard at trying to see them all.

I should really be in bed.

I feel much better. I've been trying to take care of myself. The house is progressing slowly, but surely. Best of all, the fam (or at least part of them) came up the hill this weekend and we got a lot of work done. Mammy and S worked very, very hard on the kitchen cleanup. Poor ladies, they both were so sweet and worked very hard on Mother's Day. Between the four of us, I feel like we got over a hump of some kind. It is so nice to have people that are willing to pick up the slack, and do some of the fiddly things that I just don't have the patience for.

I also feel much safer when other people are here. I think that's why I am still up. When I'm by myself it takes me longer to calm down and go to bed.

I also had a nice chat with a gentleman online tonight. I love funny people.

I should have been working on Mr. Urbane's B-day present, as his B-day is tomorrow, but I couldn't get settled enough to do it.

If the timing goes well, I could have as many as eight dates this coming weekend. It is too much, but I want to get it over with, then close out my online dating chapter. I would rather take the time and money and go live out in the real world and meet people that way. It will require me to be brave, but I KNOW I can do it. I hope you all are well. Thank you all for letting me get so negative and "vent-y"!

Why would I ever want to leave this?

Cacaphony.

It has been a while. Work up the hill has been stressful. So stressful the doctor gave me anti-stress pills. I think the most stressful part is the regular and intense feelings of disappointment I have. I have never suffered disappointment lightly, so to be feeling it almost all day, every day is very hard. I get mean. It just isn't that hard to do things correctly. That being said, it all makes my own feelings of self-worthlessness rise straight to the top.

I REALLY needed a break, and got one in the form of a few fun and exhausting days down the hill in the presence of my beloved CJ. She was in town for a conference, as were many of her colleagues and former classmates. There was lots of fun to be had, and many a cute fellow to see. I finally got to meet the spectacular Big T, and she is super. I realized how much socializing I HAVEN'T been doing. I also realized how nice it is to be flirted with by younger men. The weather has been beautiful, and I had such a great time. I was in a great mood on my drive back up the hill. Unfortunatly I haven't been able to maintain it. Too many disappointment were waiting for me. I'm sorry to be so negative, but I have very little left to my rope. I just want this process over with NOW!!! I want to be back in the land of the living, where my babies and loved ones are.

Runaway Bride.

I was asked again today why I’m not married. I was asked in the “I think you’re great, how come you haven’t been snapped up” kind of way. Well, that’s great. I really am glad that some people think I’m appealing, but ultimately it makes me mad. These days I usually give the excuse “I’m picky.” I am. I’m too scared and scarred not to be. People, including myself, are not always very careful with the hearts of others. Carelessness so often leads to things being broken. The same person also made a comment that equated to “You’re tough, for a girl.” An hour later a different man was attempting to manage me, trying to convince me that my insistence on extreme care was unnecessary.

When I find a man that doesn’t try to manage me, that takes great care with me, that realizes I’m strong as spider webs and just as delicate, that will hold my hand in the dark hours, and tell me stories to escape into, then I will marry (or not). I just hope I will be and do all those things for him.

This is what happens when the TV breaks and I lose my Netflix movies.

Using software to edit.

The falls.

All Joy.

Too long.

Things have been just plain nutty and stressful. That being said, all is good. The Upstairs Gang has landed safe and sound. The house is coming along, though we've gone over budget and must finish ASAP. Time is moving fast, but I think my upcoming goals are approachable. I have strange moments of feeling hopeless and apocalyptical, but I'm hoping it is just too much bad food.

I kind of feel like the calm in the storm.

I cannot wait to see my CJ!!

New window.

Hunger.

Something strange keeps happening. I am hungry. ALL THE TIME! I eat, and twenty minutes later, I'm hungry. I thought maybe I was dehydrated, so I drank lots of water. I'm still hungry!

What am I hungry for? I can't keep eating. What do I need?

Watching men fumble, watching myself fumble.

Watching men working on the house reminds me, yet again, how much men fumble. Not all men, just most. Not that I don't. Planning is important, and it seems like most of us avoid it. Doing tedious work takes a lot of energy. Despite the fact that planning that work reduces some of the tedium, it seems easier to use the available energy to do the work, instead of the planning. However, it never works. Sometimes I just feel like men are much more likely to use brute force, or rush ahead, and then things break, take more time, cause more problems. I'm guilty of it, but I don't want to be.

I am trying very hard right now not to fumble. I'm trying to keep work in check. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check. I'm trying to keep it together and do everything the right way.

I have to say something right now. I am not unhappy, but I am lonely. Normally my situation is OK. I don't mind. Then the moon rotates, the tides get higher, and I get emotional. It is at these times (fueled so often by bad television) that I realize how alone I am. It isn't that I don't love people, and am loved by them. They just aren't in my daily existence right now. I don't need a man in my life romantically, but I would like one. The sting of not having one, would normally be alleviated by having friends around. I don't have any friends around. Part of it is circumstantial right now. Part of it is my own fault. I'm so picky and guarded...I resist making new, close friends. Plus, nothing compares to old friends. They know you so well, and most kinks have been ironed out long ago. They are family. Those of you that aren't close by, I miss you. For those of you that are close by, thank you for being so nice! I love the whole lot of you! I have good things going on right now, and good things are always better when they are shared. :-)

Ok, survey time! Would I be good at running a small retail store? How about if my Mammy was doing the financials?

I laugh everytime I see this! Anti-gravity Cookie.

Beautiful clouds.

I've been to the red ones.

create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out our California travel guide

Mr. Urbane and I being silly a few weeks ago.

Doors! We have DOORS!

Skeletons in the chimney.

So, I've hired contractors, they are in full swing, and I want to go to Italy.

This is week two for the crew, and the weather (knock on wood) has been amazing. We need water, but I have great appreciation for sunny days with highs in the seventies. The house, as we knew it would, has revealed many of its nasty secrets (fresh air venting that isn't vented to anywhere, rodent poop EVERYWHERE, mouse skeletons in the chimney, electrical lines laying on the ground in the crawl space, etc.). Still, the fellas are creative problem solvers, and I think the end result is going to be a nice house. I just hope and pray it sells well!

Next week I will be getting on with some of the outside clean up work. This weekend some of the gang is coming up to do paint prep and demo. It should be fun!

The Upstairs Gang is officially moving back to TN. I am very happy for them, but am going to miss them something awful. Still, this way I can plan more regular trips back to TN.

I am hoping once all these real estate issues are settled, we can have more family fun weekends. There are so many amazing places to see and things to do in CA, it is time we got on with some seeing and doing.

I'm feeling pretty good, and capable. I need to be getting more exercise. I'm feeling a little unwanted, but I'll get over it soon enough. :-) I'm having a fashion desire moment. In the search for more sustainable clothing, I've found all these designers making beautiful AND sustainable clothes. It brings out the OCD in me. My budget, as always, holds me back.

Today, I am having an Italy day. I want to eat, drink, and be merry. I want to see old buildings, and sit in sunny plazas.

Clever Mammy

Mammy is a clever lady. She comes up with lots of creative solutions to tough problems. Part of the reason she is good at figuring things out, is because she is curious. This afternoon she found a key chain in the house. She didn't realized it was a "whistle to find your keys" key chain. She just wanted to make the flashlight part work, so she pulled out the little plastic tab to make the battery function. About an hour later we began to hear a beep beep beep. After the third series of beeps, I went to investigate. I realized it was the key chain, but I didn't realize it was sound activated. Until... Celine Dion started belting out a tune on the Oscars. It started beeping like crazy! It likes Beyonce too. Now, if only we had a tiny screw driver so we could open it up and take the battery out.

It snowed a bit the other day.

7 and 3/4" of snow!

Shoes, growing up, and anxiety.

The other day I was cleaning out my stuff from the closet here in the mountains. I came across my combat boots. Combat boots whose origins I can only vaguely recall. I believe they were given to me by Boyfriend #1 when I was seventeen. I haven't worn them in years, and most of the years before that, they were relegated to yard work. Faced with them again, I couldn't decide what to do. Am I too mature to own, never mind wear, combat boots?

I have been having a dialog with myself for the last few weeks about whether or not it is immature to have a "look" or style. Living in SF, I end up seeing a lot of people putting a lot of effort into their personal style. Most of them end up looking affected, unoriginal...myself included. It always seems to me, that truly mature and stylish people look that way because of the way they wear their clothes, not what they wear. So, the combat boots? Moving is tough because it is a struggle between letting go of things, and accepting new things. Choosing what to keep, and what to shed. I think it is time for me to shed. The combat boots will go. Today, seven boxes of books were given their walking papers as well. I have reached a point where I can let go of some things.

I may be feeling lighter, but I also must be feeling huge amounts of anxiety. Two nights ago I dreamt that I had to hide behind a heavy, wooden door to avoid being bludgeoned. Last night I dreamt I was looking out the window at night and saw two very large bombs drop. It seemed to take forever to determine that they were, in fact, atomic bombs. By then, I realized that it was too late. None of us were safe. We hadn't been able to keep the children safe. Everything was over. Now THAT is some anxiety!

Mammy and I have a few days of hard, but rewarding, work ahead of us. Then it is down the hill for Little Miss E's birthday party, some tile shopping, and a visit to SF. Now, it is off to bed. I shall be lulled to sleep by gusts of wind, and the drip, drip, drip of rain. Unless the temperature drops a few more degrees, all of the previous snow will be long gone by morning.

Shift.

I made a big oopsie this AM. I just hope the phrase, "Pride goeth before a fall." doesn't apply. I was asked if I live alone, as though it weren't something a woman could do. I was practically bragging (to a complete stranger), that I do. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

I went to town today. I needed out of the house, and a few supplies. I got new hand cream. It rocks, but smells a bit weird. It was good to get out.

When I got home I was doing mental calculations about which items will be moved and which ones will be disposed of. The plan is to get rid of the two Lazy Boy recliners. They are old, and are upholstered with horrendous fabric. I, of course, love them. They have been a part of the family since I was born. I have played in them, slept in them, watched movies in them, convalesced in them, shared stories of my family's history in them, etc. My heart wrenched a little just thinking about letting them go. I am still convinced I get so attached to objects because I feel so detached from my extended family and its history.

The first ones came in the mail!

Living Alone.

Living alone, here in the mountains, is different than living alone in an apartment in SF.

In the apartment, I am only feet away from many, many people. When I am there, I am out of the apartment more than in it. I interact with others all the time.

In the mountains, I do see and speak with other humans (though mostly over the phone or computer). I am in the house more than out of it. I am more alone.

Those of you that know me, know that I am a social person. I find myself laughing out loud. I send more emails. I get VERY excited about getting DVDs in the mail! I miss the babies (which means I'm on flickr often)!

It might snow this weekend, but the weather has been beautiful...sunny and clear. The critters, the smells, the weather, and the quiet all have me thinking I should be investing here. In real estate, that is.

I have decided that I need to be eating more fruit. Why I decided this in the middle of winter when it is difficult to get fresh fruit, especially organic, is beyond me. That being said, I've been working on some bananas and a pineapple. I disliked pineapple when I was a kid, but like many other things, I'm learning to love it as an adult.

Ok.

Isn't this how everyone gets water?

The snowy part looks much bigger from the deck.

The camera never does it justice.

If only!

Rude.

I think it was rude of me to refer to someone as a project.

I thought about him on my drive. I thought about how I meet some people, and it is though a big question mark gets branded into my chest. I want to spend time with these people in an attempt to resolve the question. I was trying to explain this phenomenon to a friend. He said, "Ah! A soft crush!" Another friend of his had described it like this:

"The Soft Crush

I think it's easier to get to know someone when you have no agenda. If you can just take the time to communicate without pretense, the momentum of that fundamental connection will guide everything else, for better or worse.

I'll be the first to admit that I have zero "game". No pick up lines, not slick double talk, no inclination toward the notion of sweeping someone off her feet or her sweeping me off mine. I don't think about her all the time and I'm quite sure she doesn't think of me. It's not like that at all. She's the one who, if she read this, would probably not even have the slightest inclination to think it's about her.

You can be mildly aware of someone without intentionally focusing on her. It's more like remnants of her persona (a picture, a smile, something she said or wrote, her sense of wit, whatever) that cling to your peripheral awareness, and you find within yourself a little curiosity. Just a little curiosity that keeps you wanting to know a little more than you did before.

It's an odd curiosity, one with absolutely no basis; no rhyme or reason. It just is. An acquaintance, not even a normal one; a distant, almost negligible acquaintance. You may not even know each other beyond the informal realm, and it might not even be very practical if you did… but that's not the point.

It's a slow smoldering curiosity, not a blazing fire of passion and lust. You can nourish this curiosity, consciously or otherwise, without being obsessed or even in pursuit… but you can't extinguish it. Not at this point, because it's not ready to be dismissed just yet; it refuses. It continues to cling to you like a wet piece of tissue that you can't really feel and don't really notice… But you do."

I'm sorry...I don't know who wrote that, or whom to credit it to. I think he got it about right.

It has been beautiful here in the mountains. You have to know, I think alot about staying here.

How others see NYC.

How A-man sees NYC.

Bits and Pieces

Last night, someone who journals, but doesn't blog, told me he doesn't blog because he isn't one of those people that feels the need to force their thoughts on others. I didn't tell him I blog. Also, because he was amusing me, I didn't argue with him.

Things I have thought about:

When I was in NYC, a fire engine drove by. The firefighters looked very young. My heart squeezed, throat closed, and my eyes got tears when I thought about why so many NYC firefighter seem so young. Although I have sworn never to involve myself with one, I am beyond thankful that they do what they do. They are heroes.

I have found New Yorkers to be VERY friendly, especially when I am friendly first. They like to be smiled at and chatted to. Urban life can wear a person down and make them very guarded. I like opening them back up. Oh, and I also realized many New Yorkers don't walk with their heads down because they are unfriendly. Walking with your head down is one way to keep your face from freezing off when the windchill is minus seven.

The more I fly, the more bumps in the air I find. It does make me nervous. I end up smelling bad...fear sweat. ICK.

I saw a pilot in DC. I thought he was striking. When we got to CA, he turned out to be my pilot.

Somehow in NYC I got beyond my Mr. Urbane thing. I just ran out of energy. It takes a lot of energy to love someone who doesn't love you back. I think we are always going to be great friends. He entertains me to no end. Just knowing him has helped me distill my thoughts on what I DO want from a mate.

I love my kids and their adults. One of the great tragedies of adulthood is being separated from your loved ones. No matter where I am, I am missing someone.

I am SO excited about upcoming visits!! So much to do, so little time.

I am off up the hill tomorrow to get cracking on the house! I am excited!

Back to last night. I was having dinner with a man I met very briefly in Utah. He has been in SF about as long as I have. I hope he would like to be my friend. He seems like someone I could go do things with. Something beyond hanging out at bars. Plus, I don't have many arty folks around me anymore. Also, and I HATE to admit this, but he screams "project" to me. Some people just need someone to Spur them onto the next level. I'm annoying, but good intentioned.

Finally, I WAS so excited that someone left me some comments! I love her!

My Little Waif.

It must be the weather.

NYC has been so nice. Very sunny, and also VERY cold. Not Alaska cold, but four degrees/feels like minus nine. That feels cold to me. I haven't been so bundled up in a long time.

The cold is what I am choosing to blame it on. What is "it"? My brain and its persistent short circuiting. Two nights in a row I had a dream a man was in love with me. AGAIN! No "Wizard of Oz" this time, just Clint Eastwood and one of the other usual suspects. I know my brain really wants me to be in mutual love, but I think it is just in order to have a warm body to snuggle up to. It is lovely until I wake up.

So today I went into a diner that I have been wanting to go into for years! The food didn't live up to the expectations, but the environs more than made up for it. I felt like I had walked into a movie set. Script reads: New York. The Diamond District. Kosher Deli. Cheese blintzes on the menu, and Orthodox Jewish men sitting at the counter. It was a caricature of itself. If only I could have taken pictures.

I also drove myself a bit crazy today. From the sound of things, my fantasy wanna-be honey is in town. I kept imaging bumping into him at museums or on the street. I know it is childish, but a girl can entertain herself, right?

The big apple.

I am here. I am jet lagged. I am happy to see the people here. I am thankful for down coats. It is currently "29, feels like 19". It is in the balmy upper 70s in the apartment.

The little one has a bit of a cold today, and doesn't know if she's coming or going. I hope she feels well tomorrow, as her mama is off to work, and I'm not sure how much of a comfort I am to her.

We saw an albino peacock today. If you ever get the chance, you should see one too. They are spectacular.

I'm sure I had more to say, but am too sleepy to remember what it was.

My big fear.

This evening someone I know quite well, but whom doesn't know that much about my past, said something important.

"I thought of something you could do for a career. Take a year and get your teaching credentials and teach." He had no idea that was my original intention. I don't want to teach in a school, but I do want to teach. Am I supposed to be a teacher? If so, how, what, etc?

I am also going through a revival of my environmental awareness. A rededication. This brings up the old emotional conflict that developed when I was younger. When looking for the truth about the world, I find it hard to ignore it, once I've found it. Knowing that I cannot always make the perfect and correct choice tortures me. Knowing that it often puts me in conflict with some of my loved ones is very hard. My challenge now is to find the path AND the joy. To reduce the conflict.

My wanna-be honey.

In his natural habitat. I stole this from Flickr, so sue me.