Shoes, growing up, and anxiety.

The other day I was cleaning out my stuff from the closet here in the mountains. I came across my combat boots. Combat boots whose origins I can only vaguely recall. I believe they were given to me by Boyfriend #1 when I was seventeen. I haven't worn them in years, and most of the years before that, they were relegated to yard work. Faced with them again, I couldn't decide what to do. Am I too mature to own, never mind wear, combat boots?

I have been having a dialog with myself for the last few weeks about whether or not it is immature to have a "look" or style. Living in SF, I end up seeing a lot of people putting a lot of effort into their personal style. Most of them end up looking affected, unoriginal...myself included. It always seems to me, that truly mature and stylish people look that way because of the way they wear their clothes, not what they wear. So, the combat boots? Moving is tough because it is a struggle between letting go of things, and accepting new things. Choosing what to keep, and what to shed. I think it is time for me to shed. The combat boots will go. Today, seven boxes of books were given their walking papers as well. I have reached a point where I can let go of some things.

I may be feeling lighter, but I also must be feeling huge amounts of anxiety. Two nights ago I dreamt that I had to hide behind a heavy, wooden door to avoid being bludgeoned. Last night I dreamt I was looking out the window at night and saw two very large bombs drop. It seemed to take forever to determine that they were, in fact, atomic bombs. By then, I realized that it was too late. None of us were safe. We hadn't been able to keep the children safe. Everything was over. Now THAT is some anxiety!

Mammy and I have a few days of hard, but rewarding, work ahead of us. Then it is down the hill for Little Miss E's birthday party, some tile shopping, and a visit to SF. Now, it is off to bed. I shall be lulled to sleep by gusts of wind, and the drip, drip, drip of rain. Unless the temperature drops a few more degrees, all of the previous snow will be long gone by morning.