Not last night...

...but the night before, I had two interesting dreams.

The first dream was about bread. I was sorting through loaves of bread. We had too many. I gave them all a look over and a quick squeeze. They all seemed fresh. There were too many dessert-esque breads and one loaf of regular bread. I thought I should, despite the waste, throw out some of the dessert breads. I wondered how we ended up with so much.

Dream number two started with me wandering about on a mountain, or maybe it was a hill. There were odd patches of pine trees and many patches of rocky, dry grass open spaces. I felt very lost at first. I was wondering around and around trying to get my bearings. I think there were other people around talking to me. Finally I found a shallow rocky stream bed or narrow road. It matched a line that was on the map I had in my hand. I don't remember having the map in my hand before that moment. It was round, like a large coaster, and had only a few bold lines on it. By following the "stream bed", I was able to confirm that it matched a bold line. I had found my way, and the bold line seemed to trace itself with a bolder line as I walked. I came across a group of people. I met Clint Eastwood and told him he should make a movie of the story Poppy had just related to me about an American crew in the 1800's getting lost in Africa. He agreed, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Only if you'll be in it." This made me very happy and suddenly very dramatic.

I woke up and thought, "Well, that must have been about the bounty of life, and how important I feel it is for someone to believe in and want me, my thoughts, and my skills."

I'm a dork.

And I am OK with that.

I have consistently been given the same good advice through the years. Mr. Urbane gave me this advice again on Friday. He said, "Go have a martini!" I knew what he meant was, "Relax! Don't push so hard!" I've been taking really deep, slow breaths since then. He was right. I just need to calm down. I am calming down.

Friday was a big day for me. After the Morrissey thing, I got odd. I found and communicated with two old boyfriends. I attempted to track down a prom date that passed away entirely too young. I made an idiot out of myself with a friend. I called two of my oldest girlfriends, cringing at the thought of how long it had been. It was all just crazy and exciting.

How strange. Anyway, all seems to have calmed down. It is still being beautiful here. Cj got home safe and sound from NY. I can't WAIT to see her next month! Happy fall to all!

Indian Summer

That's all I know to call it. It is so beautiful, warm, and sunny.
I've been quite sick for a week now. I'm at the point where I am almost well. I'm still coughing, etc and a bit tired. I also have an itchy case of cabin fever.

Miss EE and I had some fun and giggles this morning. She is such a cutie. She and her brother are asleep, so I turned on the TV.

One of the HD channels is showing a live Morrissey show. I am blown away. The dude is 47 years old. He can still sing. He sounds JUST like he did on early Smiths albums. He sang Every Day is Like Sunday and I just freaked out. High school, crisp fall days in old Volvo wagons, doughnut holes, my girls, my loves, my mountains. I miss you all.

Don't know if it was the feverishness, or what, but I have been all over the place emotionally. I have been having vivid dreams. I feel super one minute, and totally morose the next. I hope it was just the virus doing its thing. I feel good this very moment.

Happy fall everybody. Gonna have to go download some you know who when I get home.
:-)

YEEHAWWW!!

I heard CJ might be coming for a visit! I'm so excited!!

The NYC Gang

Yummy!

Raisin?

Catch up.

I went to NYC and had a great time bonding with Little B and her folks. Things are just never ending in that city. I went to the WTC site, and will try to remember to write about it later.

I have other things to write about tonight.

I went to Sea Ranch for a beautiful weekend with Mr Urbane and some of his people. Finally met the Brazilian brother. It was startling just how much he's like his Dad.
They are good people, those boys.

Got to run in the beautiful weather along the bluff. Got to drive through the countryside. Got to soak in warm wonder (ur, water) under a zillion stars. Had some time to think and feel and rest.

This is what I came up with.

It is OK to love someone whole heartedly, even if they don't love you back. There is nothing wrong with it, unless you are expecting something from them.

If people don't stick, they aren't supposed to...don't chase them.

I FIRMLY believe things happen for a reason. Nothing just happens. I don't think others have to feel this way, but I do.

I have figured out a way to describe how I feel about my life, and all its aspects.

I am in a concrete box. No doors, no windows. I am singing, with all my heart. I don't necessarily have a great singing voice, but the song is beautiful because it is mine, totally unique, and sung with every fiber of my being. I know if I just keep singing the box will crumble and the world will be able to come in, and I will be able to go out. I just have to keep singing, singing MY song.

Total Slacker

That's me.

There are important things going on, but I'm not going to write about them.

Today is the first time I've been able to watch Three's Company since John Ritter died. It was such a big part of my childhood. It is really a funny show, and has so many innuendos and euphemisms I never would have caught as a kid. LOVE IT!

Sweet Little Flower

We got a new flower in our garden today. She arrived safe and sound, eight pounds two ounces. We all have colds, so only mammy got to meet her in person. I can't wait.

My Boy.

Toe-may-Toe, Toe-mah-Toe.

I have always thought of CJ and JT as roots. They are,however, great fertilizer as well. And I am coming to Portland, even if temporarily. I'm so excited. I need it. Someone is trying to get me to come home a day early, so that I can participate in a whole family photo, but I don't think that will work.

I have the most generous sister and bro-in-law in the world. One of the results of their generosity has been weekly trips for an hour massage and a chiropractor visit for me. Those visits have become my still moments. I treasure them. Massage is so awesome. We all need more touching!

Some ladies came by the house today. They were lots of fun, and all seemed to have men to offer up to me. It is so nice to be thought of as nice. I will now freely admit that I am looking for my Mr. Big (without the commitment issues of course).

Off to wrestle with electronic music formats.

Still.

Not long after I moved to CA, I was fooling around and took an on-line ayruvedic test. The results basically boiled down to this: I need a lot more stillness in my life, a lot less movement. Most of you know, I am a nomadic creature. I whole heartedly agreed with the results though. And that was three years ago. I haven't had mush stillness in the last three years. I'm not just talking about geographical stillness either. I am all over the place physically and emotionally. It isn't a bad thing, in a lot of ways. I like that I am the kind of person who can be flexible. I just know I need a certain amount of rootedness.

Looking for roots, that's what I'm doing. Looking for the roots that will tie me to my life. Of course, all good farmers know that developing roots takes patience. Must be patient.

Long list.

So the last few weeks have been down right nutty. Parties, city socializing, sisterly appendix removal, Mammy travel, real estate discussions, child care, etc.
I got a little cooked, and emotionally over wrought. I'm much better now.

My brain has been torturing me at night. I keep having these dreams that make everything work out. It is comforting while I'm asleep, but then I wake up and feel confused.

I would like a mate. Everyone knows this. I was faced last week with a very challenging situation. I met a man that has many, many things that I has been looking for. And he liked me. And I don't want him because he wants to be a cop. I have felt very conflicted about this. I don't want to pass up a good thing. Discussing the situation with Poppy this morning made me realize how resolved I am about it. The only other thing I'm worried about, is whether I will every stop wanting things I cannot have.

Poppy and I were driving around yesterday and I got stung on my birdy finger. Now it looks like a banana slug! :-) It is so funny.

I have been very naughty about not keeping up with people. MUST make phone calls!

I still can't seem to post pictures. Will keep trying.

Glad to hear all the good news, and see all the fun that's been going on in Oregon!

Dappled light.

So, as you can guess,I've been doing a lot of pondering and having many discussions with myself and others about my future, both immediate and long term. Poppy and I had a good one last night, and I think some things are starting to settle into place. I was driving around earlier, and I got all happy. It has been awhile, so I got excited about it. Somewhere I read that the vision that warriors were hoping to have during a vision quest was the vision of their death. If they knew how they were going to die, they didn't have to fear anything else, and could completely focus on the tasks at hand. Well, I feel like I have a picture of my life, and what I want. I just don't need to feel fear about how I'm going to get there. I'm old enough that I can see that life is not infinite. There are only so many evenings, and weekends. I should use the time I've got to do things I want to do. I just want to do what I think is right, and is me. I feel like it is a bad thing to hold back because of what others might think or expect, but that is what I have been doing. I've been living in fear, and as we know, a life lived in fear, is a life half lived. I just hope I can hold onto this in my daily goings-on.

Sorry about lack of photos,having technical difficulties.

My domesticated life.

Spent Friday and Saturday playing in the pool with Homie K and Homie A. It was fun. We've been having a lot of fun with the kids. We've been gobbling all the fruit CA has to offer. I made chocolate chip cookies for father's day. A-man is an addict. If he smells it on your breath, he begs for one.

I think I'm here with the kids through the end of July at least. I am wondering what to do after that. Have been reading up on the Haute Route, and even taking the lower "hiker's" route is quite an undertaking. Poppy and I will need to do lots of training, and I am committed to it. I am wondering if I should surrender city living for a while and retreat to the hills for training. Any ideas?

Woof! Woof!

Da boys.

The TN gang a few drinks in. :-)

Mammy and Poppy.