So, today I had a conversation I have been waiting at least six (and maybe 13) years to have.
It was with a man I have shared my heart with. A man that I feel was destined to be in my world. We met at an impressionable age and helped to shape each other's worlds. We weren't always nice to each other, but we have had many great moments. He has been absent from my regular existence for several years now. Today he came back. Today we are friends. Today we are in the place we were supposed to in all along. I feel happy and relieved. I am so thankful for old friends (and, dare I say it, Myspace for helping me find him).
Monday, January 15, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Growing out of it.
I have this condition that I call Sunday Night Panic. It started when I was a kid. I wasn't exactly in love with school. I always felt behind either socially or academically. School was a place where there was a lot of pressure. I never felt like I measured up to one standard or another.
As a result, I loved those times I was not at school. I loved summer. I loved weekends. I did NOT love Sunday nights. I always ended up in a panic. I felt like I hadn't done my homework. I felt like there would be a day long pop quiz. I felt like I would be the butt of a week long joke.
Here I am, 32 years old, I have no school or job to go to (per se) in the morning, but I still have the Sunday night panic. I'm working on it. If anyone has suggestions, let me know. :-)
As a result, I loved those times I was not at school. I loved summer. I loved weekends. I did NOT love Sunday nights. I always ended up in a panic. I felt like I hadn't done my homework. I felt like there would be a day long pop quiz. I felt like I would be the butt of a week long joke.
Here I am, 32 years old, I have no school or job to go to (per se) in the morning, but I still have the Sunday night panic. I'm working on it. If anyone has suggestions, let me know. :-)
Saturday, January 13, 2007
All new and fresh.
This thing now tells me I'm all new and fresh, straight from the non-beta world. How do I look? Do I sparkle?
Highly unlikely! The pipes are frozen, and neither the dishes, nor I, has had a bath today. Last night I had strange dreams. One was full of all the things from yesterday. My brain is quite creative managing to squeeze all that stuff into one dream.
I intend to create a proper schedule for myself. I find I'm not eating at regular times.
Oh, and after watching a Biography show, I have decided I need a Clint Eastwood, the later years.
Highly unlikely! The pipes are frozen, and neither the dishes, nor I, has had a bath today. Last night I had strange dreams. One was full of all the things from yesterday. My brain is quite creative managing to squeeze all that stuff into one dream.
I intend to create a proper schedule for myself. I find I'm not eating at regular times.
Oh, and after watching a Biography show, I have decided I need a Clint Eastwood, the later years.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Floating to the top.
1. I've been finding and being found by old friends on a certain, not to be named, website. It has been good and weird. I think the overall result has been a feeling that I know/understand myself better. I also realize that putting the love out there is a good, not to be scared of, thing. How's that for some grammar.
2. I like living here in the mountains. It is so pretty and cozy by the fire. I also like feeling like I am actually getting somewhere.
3. I found out the very cute place down the street is a vacation cottage, and that the owner does massage. I popped over there this afternoon to have my sore old muscles worked on. It was a pretty good massage, but of course I can never relax when I have someone new working on me. At least my brain can't. I thought of all sorts of things, but one thing was really important. Before we got started, I explained why I wasn't a massage therapist. As part of the explanation I mentioned that part way through massage school we lost my first niece. I had never verbalized that to anyone in that way. While I was being worked on I guess I finally admitted to myself, that losing her had a big impact on my emotional state while I was learning to do this very emotional work. I also admitted to myself that I never really let myself be sad enough about it. If admitting there is something wrong is the first step to fixing it, here's hoping. I don't feel sad about it. I mean I feel ok, or relieved, or whatever. :-)
May all of you have cozy fires, or dogs, or whatever. :-)
2. I like living here in the mountains. It is so pretty and cozy by the fire. I also like feeling like I am actually getting somewhere.
3. I found out the very cute place down the street is a vacation cottage, and that the owner does massage. I popped over there this afternoon to have my sore old muscles worked on. It was a pretty good massage, but of course I can never relax when I have someone new working on me. At least my brain can't. I thought of all sorts of things, but one thing was really important. Before we got started, I explained why I wasn't a massage therapist. As part of the explanation I mentioned that part way through massage school we lost my first niece. I had never verbalized that to anyone in that way. While I was being worked on I guess I finally admitted to myself, that losing her had a big impact on my emotional state while I was learning to do this very emotional work. I also admitted to myself that I never really let myself be sad enough about it. If admitting there is something wrong is the first step to fixing it, here's hoping. I don't feel sad about it. I mean I feel ok, or relieved, or whatever. :-)
May all of you have cozy fires, or dogs, or whatever. :-)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
MY boys.
Are you there god, its me Heather?
I just want to say thanks for all my boys. They keep me sane while they make me crazy.
Don't forget the girls, of course. They keep me sane too.
I just want to say thanks for all my boys. They keep me sane while they make me crazy.
Don't forget the girls, of course. They keep me sane too.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Resolutions
Well, there was no New Years kiss, but there was certainly cheer and love. Between all the sniffles and coughs (minus me, thankfully) the whole family clicked glasses, then pretty much went straight to bed. Last year was really weird and wonderful. Every year I get very serious and dramatic this time of year and promise I will do more and grow more in the coming year. That being said, here are my plans:
1. I will get physically and mentally prepared to go to Switzerland.
2. I will go to Switzerland and hike approximately 110 miles.
3. I will practice with the new camera, and take great pictures with it.
4. I will do all my work well (Mammy and Poppy's house, etc.)
5. I will be more positive and kinder/friendlier with people.
6. I will buy organic cotton whenever possible.
7. I will reach out to more people.
I'm sure there should be many more, but only so many things can stick in my head.
I wish you all happy, happy New Years.
1. I will get physically and mentally prepared to go to Switzerland.
2. I will go to Switzerland and hike approximately 110 miles.
3. I will practice with the new camera, and take great pictures with it.
4. I will do all my work well (Mammy and Poppy's house, etc.)
5. I will be more positive and kinder/friendlier with people.
6. I will buy organic cotton whenever possible.
7. I will reach out to more people.
I'm sure there should be many more, but only so many things can stick in my head.
I wish you all happy, happy New Years.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Holiday.
Did I lose any of you?
So yesterday I went to go see The Holiday (by myself, by the way). I know. Insipid.
I don't care. Sometimes I need to see the cheese. I was able to choke back my near revulsion for Jude Law, and ignore the worst of the insipidness, and enjoyed it. It did remind me I need to stay positive, keep reaching and searching, and let go of dead/desiccating things. I will not be a raisin!
I uploaded a few pics from the new camera. I'm really going to have to put some work into learning the ins and outs. White balance seems to be the trickiest part.
I downloaded Prince today. Love that guy.
I had to tell Poppy today that I just couldn't do some work for him over the next few weeks. I feel very determined that the next six months will be devoted to finishing the old house, and to getting in shape. I just can't be his girl this time, which makes me feel AWFUL! I know it means that he won't have enough time for all of his stuff, including getting ready for Switzerland. Ugh.
I bought some books on renovation. I am determined to get this right.
Finally, for once in my life, I would like a New Year's kiss. A proper one. Any takers?
So yesterday I went to go see The Holiday (by myself, by the way). I know. Insipid.
I don't care. Sometimes I need to see the cheese. I was able to choke back my near revulsion for Jude Law, and ignore the worst of the insipidness, and enjoyed it. It did remind me I need to stay positive, keep reaching and searching, and let go of dead/desiccating things. I will not be a raisin!
I uploaded a few pics from the new camera. I'm really going to have to put some work into learning the ins and outs. White balance seems to be the trickiest part.
I downloaded Prince today. Love that guy.
I had to tell Poppy today that I just couldn't do some work for him over the next few weeks. I feel very determined that the next six months will be devoted to finishing the old house, and to getting in shape. I just can't be his girl this time, which makes me feel AWFUL! I know it means that he won't have enough time for all of his stuff, including getting ready for Switzerland. Ugh.
I bought some books on renovation. I am determined to get this right.
Finally, for once in my life, I would like a New Year's kiss. A proper one. Any takers?
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Jesus and Ebay
Now don't freak out. So, I was talking to A-man the other day. We were talking about Christmas. I asked him why we celebrate Christmas. He was very sweet and serious and gave me very typical three-year old answers like "presents", "gifts", "Santa", and "ornaments". As most of you know, his parents are not what one might call religious. Still, they have a tiny nativity, and A-man has some idea that there is a Baby Jesus that has something to do with Christmas. I explained to him that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus being born. He looked at me quizzically, and I went on to explain that Jesus was a very nice man that tried to teach people to be good and to be nice to each other. I started thinking about how political (and I don't mean Repubs and Demos) Christmas has become. I have decided that it doesn't really matter if you are spiritual, religious, or none of the above, it is not a bad thing to think about Jesus at Christmas. I have found myself irritable and grumpy quite a bit lately. I have also found many people I run into to be the same, along with weary, negative, etc. The moments when I find myself feeling the best these days are when I am hearing about people reaching out a helping hand, or I am doing so myself. If thinking about Jesus at Christmas time would help ALL people be more loving, tolerant, generous, and respectful of other people, then I am all for it.
Now onto the other part of Christmas. I have always loved it. It was magical, especially the tree. There were always at least two trees in my life, and sometimes a third. The one at home had big lights, hodge-podge ornaments that we had made, or were things Mammy purchased after leaving home (post-'67), and tinsel garlands. Sometimes my Granma had a little tree with a few very precious ornaments she had brought from England. Many glass and some dating from the 30's. She had a little multi-colored glass bead garland. She also had some funky 60's and 70's household decorations. The best trees were at my god-parent's house. They were usually very dense, fresh cut cedar. They had a whole mix of big bulbs from twinkle lights to Ice ball lights. The had a few real birds' nests that they would put a little fake bird in. Somewhere hidden in the branches was a little box that made bird call noises. They had plastic glow-in-the-dark icicles. They also had the stringy "icicle" tinsel. It was awesome. I'm going through a huge fit of nostalgia for it all this year, and have been scouring E-bay for vintage lights, etc. Unfortunately, so is everyone else and prices are sky high. What's a girl to do?!?
Here's to being nice, taking care of each other, and GE "Lighted Ice" light bulbs!
Merry Christmas!
Now onto the other part of Christmas. I have always loved it. It was magical, especially the tree. There were always at least two trees in my life, and sometimes a third. The one at home had big lights, hodge-podge ornaments that we had made, or were things Mammy purchased after leaving home (post-'67), and tinsel garlands. Sometimes my Granma had a little tree with a few very precious ornaments she had brought from England. Many glass and some dating from the 30's. She had a little multi-colored glass bead garland. She also had some funky 60's and 70's household decorations. The best trees were at my god-parent's house. They were usually very dense, fresh cut cedar. They had a whole mix of big bulbs from twinkle lights to Ice ball lights. The had a few real birds' nests that they would put a little fake bird in. Somewhere hidden in the branches was a little box that made bird call noises. They had plastic glow-in-the-dark icicles. They also had the stringy "icicle" tinsel. It was awesome. I'm going through a huge fit of nostalgia for it all this year, and have been scouring E-bay for vintage lights, etc. Unfortunately, so is everyone else and prices are sky high. What's a girl to do?!?
Here's to being nice, taking care of each other, and GE "Lighted Ice" light bulbs!
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Not last night...
...but the night before, I had two interesting dreams.
The first dream was about bread. I was sorting through loaves of bread. We had too many. I gave them all a look over and a quick squeeze. They all seemed fresh. There were too many dessert-esque breads and one loaf of regular bread. I thought I should, despite the waste, throw out some of the dessert breads. I wondered how we ended up with so much.
Dream number two started with me wandering about on a mountain, or maybe it was a hill. There were odd patches of pine trees and many patches of rocky, dry grass open spaces. I felt very lost at first. I was wondering around and around trying to get my bearings. I think there were other people around talking to me. Finally I found a shallow rocky stream bed or narrow road. It matched a line that was on the map I had in my hand. I don't remember having the map in my hand before that moment. It was round, like a large coaster, and had only a few bold lines on it. By following the "stream bed", I was able to confirm that it matched a bold line. I had found my way, and the bold line seemed to trace itself with a bolder line as I walked. I came across a group of people. I met Clint Eastwood and told him he should make a movie of the story Poppy had just related to me about an American crew in the 1800's getting lost in Africa. He agreed, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Only if you'll be in it." This made me very happy and suddenly very dramatic.
I woke up and thought, "Well, that must have been about the bounty of life, and how important I feel it is for someone to believe in and want me, my thoughts, and my skills."
The first dream was about bread. I was sorting through loaves of bread. We had too many. I gave them all a look over and a quick squeeze. They all seemed fresh. There were too many dessert-esque breads and one loaf of regular bread. I thought I should, despite the waste, throw out some of the dessert breads. I wondered how we ended up with so much.
Dream number two started with me wandering about on a mountain, or maybe it was a hill. There were odd patches of pine trees and many patches of rocky, dry grass open spaces. I felt very lost at first. I was wondering around and around trying to get my bearings. I think there were other people around talking to me. Finally I found a shallow rocky stream bed or narrow road. It matched a line that was on the map I had in my hand. I don't remember having the map in my hand before that moment. It was round, like a large coaster, and had only a few bold lines on it. By following the "stream bed", I was able to confirm that it matched a bold line. I had found my way, and the bold line seemed to trace itself with a bolder line as I walked. I came across a group of people. I met Clint Eastwood and told him he should make a movie of the story Poppy had just related to me about an American crew in the 1800's getting lost in Africa. He agreed, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Only if you'll be in it." This made me very happy and suddenly very dramatic.
I woke up and thought, "Well, that must have been about the bounty of life, and how important I feel it is for someone to believe in and want me, my thoughts, and my skills."
Monday, October 23, 2006
I'm a dork.
And I am OK with that.
I have consistently been given the same good advice through the years. Mr. Urbane gave me this advice again on Friday. He said, "Go have a martini!" I knew what he meant was, "Relax! Don't push so hard!" I've been taking really deep, slow breaths since then. He was right. I just need to calm down. I am calming down.
Friday was a big day for me. After the Morrissey thing, I got odd. I found and communicated with two old boyfriends. I attempted to track down a prom date that passed away entirely too young. I made an idiot out of myself with a friend. I called two of my oldest girlfriends, cringing at the thought of how long it had been. It was all just crazy and exciting.
How strange. Anyway, all seems to have calmed down. It is still being beautiful here. Cj got home safe and sound from NY. I can't WAIT to see her next month! Happy fall to all!
I have consistently been given the same good advice through the years. Mr. Urbane gave me this advice again on Friday. He said, "Go have a martini!" I knew what he meant was, "Relax! Don't push so hard!" I've been taking really deep, slow breaths since then. He was right. I just need to calm down. I am calming down.
Friday was a big day for me. After the Morrissey thing, I got odd. I found and communicated with two old boyfriends. I attempted to track down a prom date that passed away entirely too young. I made an idiot out of myself with a friend. I called two of my oldest girlfriends, cringing at the thought of how long it had been. It was all just crazy and exciting.
How strange. Anyway, all seems to have calmed down. It is still being beautiful here. Cj got home safe and sound from NY. I can't WAIT to see her next month! Happy fall to all!
Friday, October 20, 2006
Indian Summer
That's all I know to call it. It is so beautiful, warm, and sunny.
I've been quite sick for a week now. I'm at the point where I am almost well. I'm still coughing, etc and a bit tired. I also have an itchy case of cabin fever.
Miss EE and I had some fun and giggles this morning. She is such a cutie. She and her brother are asleep, so I turned on the TV.
One of the HD channels is showing a live Morrissey show. I am blown away. The dude is 47 years old. He can still sing. He sounds JUST like he did on early Smiths albums. He sang Every Day is Like Sunday and I just freaked out. High school, crisp fall days in old Volvo wagons, doughnut holes, my girls, my loves, my mountains. I miss you all.
Don't know if it was the feverishness, or what, but I have been all over the place emotionally. I have been having vivid dreams. I feel super one minute, and totally morose the next. I hope it was just the virus doing its thing. I feel good this very moment.
Happy fall everybody. Gonna have to go download some you know who when I get home.
:-)
I've been quite sick for a week now. I'm at the point where I am almost well. I'm still coughing, etc and a bit tired. I also have an itchy case of cabin fever.
Miss EE and I had some fun and giggles this morning. She is such a cutie. She and her brother are asleep, so I turned on the TV.
One of the HD channels is showing a live Morrissey show. I am blown away. The dude is 47 years old. He can still sing. He sounds JUST like he did on early Smiths albums. He sang Every Day is Like Sunday and I just freaked out. High school, crisp fall days in old Volvo wagons, doughnut holes, my girls, my loves, my mountains. I miss you all.
Don't know if it was the feverishness, or what, but I have been all over the place emotionally. I have been having vivid dreams. I feel super one minute, and totally morose the next. I hope it was just the virus doing its thing. I feel good this very moment.
Happy fall everybody. Gonna have to go download some you know who when I get home.
:-)
Friday, September 22, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Catch up.
I went to NYC and had a great time bonding with Little B and her folks. Things are just never ending in that city. I went to the WTC site, and will try to remember to write about it later.
I have other things to write about tonight.
I went to Sea Ranch for a beautiful weekend with Mr Urbane and some of his people. Finally met the Brazilian brother. It was startling just how much he's like his Dad.
They are good people, those boys.
Got to run in the beautiful weather along the bluff. Got to drive through the countryside. Got to soak in warm wonder (ur, water) under a zillion stars. Had some time to think and feel and rest.
This is what I came up with.
It is OK to love someone whole heartedly, even if they don't love you back. There is nothing wrong with it, unless you are expecting something from them.
If people don't stick, they aren't supposed to...don't chase them.
I FIRMLY believe things happen for a reason. Nothing just happens. I don't think others have to feel this way, but I do.
I have figured out a way to describe how I feel about my life, and all its aspects.
I am in a concrete box. No doors, no windows. I am singing, with all my heart. I don't necessarily have a great singing voice, but the song is beautiful because it is mine, totally unique, and sung with every fiber of my being. I know if I just keep singing the box will crumble and the world will be able to come in, and I will be able to go out. I just have to keep singing, singing MY song.
I have other things to write about tonight.
I went to Sea Ranch for a beautiful weekend with Mr Urbane and some of his people. Finally met the Brazilian brother. It was startling just how much he's like his Dad.
They are good people, those boys.
Got to run in the beautiful weather along the bluff. Got to drive through the countryside. Got to soak in warm wonder (ur, water) under a zillion stars. Had some time to think and feel and rest.
This is what I came up with.
It is OK to love someone whole heartedly, even if they don't love you back. There is nothing wrong with it, unless you are expecting something from them.
If people don't stick, they aren't supposed to...don't chase them.
I FIRMLY believe things happen for a reason. Nothing just happens. I don't think others have to feel this way, but I do.
I have figured out a way to describe how I feel about my life, and all its aspects.
I am in a concrete box. No doors, no windows. I am singing, with all my heart. I don't necessarily have a great singing voice, but the song is beautiful because it is mine, totally unique, and sung with every fiber of my being. I know if I just keep singing the box will crumble and the world will be able to come in, and I will be able to go out. I just have to keep singing, singing MY song.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Total Slacker
That's me.
There are important things going on, but I'm not going to write about them.
Today is the first time I've been able to watch Three's Company since John Ritter died. It was such a big part of my childhood. It is really a funny show, and has so many innuendos and euphemisms I never would have caught as a kid. LOVE IT!
There are important things going on, but I'm not going to write about them.
Today is the first time I've been able to watch Three's Company since John Ritter died. It was such a big part of my childhood. It is really a funny show, and has so many innuendos and euphemisms I never would have caught as a kid. LOVE IT!
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