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Hunger.

Something strange keeps happening. I am hungry. ALL THE TIME! I eat, and twenty minutes later, I'm hungry. I thought maybe I was dehydrated, so I drank lots of water. I'm still hungry!

What am I hungry for? I can't keep eating. What do I need?

Watching men fumble, watching myself fumble.

Watching men working on the house reminds me, yet again, how much men fumble. Not all men, just most. Not that I don't. Planning is important, and it seems like most of us avoid it. Doing tedious work takes a lot of energy. Despite the fact that planning that work reduces some of the tedium, it seems easier to use the available energy to do the work, instead of the planning. However, it never works. Sometimes I just feel like men are much more likely to use brute force, or rush ahead, and then things break, take more time, cause more problems. I'm guilty of it, but I don't want to be.

I am trying very hard right now not to fumble. I'm trying to keep work in check. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check. I'm trying to keep it together and do everything the right way.

I have to say something right now. I am not unhappy, but I am lonely. Normally my situation is OK. I don't mind. Then the moon rotates, the tides get higher, and I get emotional. It is at these times (fueled so often by bad television) that I realize how alone I am. It isn't that I don't love people, and am loved by them. They just aren't in my daily existence right now. I don't need a man in my life romantically, but I would like one. The sting of not having one, would normally be alleviated by having friends around. I don't have any friends around. Part of it is circumstantial right now. Part of it is my own fault. I'm so picky and guarded...I resist making new, close friends. Plus, nothing compares to old friends. They know you so well, and most kinks have been ironed out long ago. They are family. Those of you that aren't close by, I miss you. For those of you that are close by, thank you for being so nice! I love the whole lot of you! I have good things going on right now, and good things are always better when they are shared. :-)

Ok, survey time! Would I be good at running a small retail store? How about if my Mammy was doing the financials?

I laugh everytime I see this! Anti-gravity Cookie.

Beautiful clouds.

I've been to the red ones.

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Mr. Urbane and I being silly a few weeks ago.

Doors! We have DOORS!

Skeletons in the chimney.

So, I've hired contractors, they are in full swing, and I want to go to Italy.

This is week two for the crew, and the weather (knock on wood) has been amazing. We need water, but I have great appreciation for sunny days with highs in the seventies. The house, as we knew it would, has revealed many of its nasty secrets (fresh air venting that isn't vented to anywhere, rodent poop EVERYWHERE, mouse skeletons in the chimney, electrical lines laying on the ground in the crawl space, etc.). Still, the fellas are creative problem solvers, and I think the end result is going to be a nice house. I just hope and pray it sells well!

Next week I will be getting on with some of the outside clean up work. This weekend some of the gang is coming up to do paint prep and demo. It should be fun!

The Upstairs Gang is officially moving back to TN. I am very happy for them, but am going to miss them something awful. Still, this way I can plan more regular trips back to TN.

I am hoping once all these real estate issues are settled, we can have more family fun weekends. There are so many amazing places to see and things to do in CA, it is time we got on with some seeing and doing.

I'm feeling pretty good, and capable. I need to be getting more exercise. I'm feeling a little unwanted, but I'll get over it soon enough. :-) I'm having a fashion desire moment. In the search for more sustainable clothing, I've found all these designers making beautiful AND sustainable clothes. It brings out the OCD in me. My budget, as always, holds me back.

Today, I am having an Italy day. I want to eat, drink, and be merry. I want to see old buildings, and sit in sunny plazas.

Clever Mammy

Mammy is a clever lady. She comes up with lots of creative solutions to tough problems. Part of the reason she is good at figuring things out, is because she is curious. This afternoon she found a key chain in the house. She didn't realized it was a "whistle to find your keys" key chain. She just wanted to make the flashlight part work, so she pulled out the little plastic tab to make the battery function. About an hour later we began to hear a beep beep beep. After the third series of beeps, I went to investigate. I realized it was the key chain, but I didn't realize it was sound activated. Until... Celine Dion started belting out a tune on the Oscars. It started beeping like crazy! It likes Beyonce too. Now, if only we had a tiny screw driver so we could open it up and take the battery out.

It snowed a bit the other day.

7 and 3/4" of snow!

Shoes, growing up, and anxiety.

The other day I was cleaning out my stuff from the closet here in the mountains. I came across my combat boots. Combat boots whose origins I can only vaguely recall. I believe they were given to me by Boyfriend #1 when I was seventeen. I haven't worn them in years, and most of the years before that, they were relegated to yard work. Faced with them again, I couldn't decide what to do. Am I too mature to own, never mind wear, combat boots?

I have been having a dialog with myself for the last few weeks about whether or not it is immature to have a "look" or style. Living in SF, I end up seeing a lot of people putting a lot of effort into their personal style. Most of them end up looking affected, unoriginal...myself included. It always seems to me, that truly mature and stylish people look that way because of the way they wear their clothes, not what they wear. So, the combat boots? Moving is tough because it is a struggle between letting go of things, and accepting new things. Choosing what to keep, and what to shed. I think it is time for me to shed. The combat boots will go. Today, seven boxes of books were given their walking papers as well. I have reached a point where I can let go of some things.

I may be feeling lighter, but I also must be feeling huge amounts of anxiety. Two nights ago I dreamt that I had to hide behind a heavy, wooden door to avoid being bludgeoned. Last night I dreamt I was looking out the window at night and saw two very large bombs drop. It seemed to take forever to determine that they were, in fact, atomic bombs. By then, I realized that it was too late. None of us were safe. We hadn't been able to keep the children safe. Everything was over. Now THAT is some anxiety!

Mammy and I have a few days of hard, but rewarding, work ahead of us. Then it is down the hill for Little Miss E's birthday party, some tile shopping, and a visit to SF. Now, it is off to bed. I shall be lulled to sleep by gusts of wind, and the drip, drip, drip of rain. Unless the temperature drops a few more degrees, all of the previous snow will be long gone by morning.

Shift.

I made a big oopsie this AM. I just hope the phrase, "Pride goeth before a fall." doesn't apply. I was asked if I live alone, as though it weren't something a woman could do. I was practically bragging (to a complete stranger), that I do. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

I went to town today. I needed out of the house, and a few supplies. I got new hand cream. It rocks, but smells a bit weird. It was good to get out.

When I got home I was doing mental calculations about which items will be moved and which ones will be disposed of. The plan is to get rid of the two Lazy Boy recliners. They are old, and are upholstered with horrendous fabric. I, of course, love them. They have been a part of the family since I was born. I have played in them, slept in them, watched movies in them, convalesced in them, shared stories of my family's history in them, etc. My heart wrenched a little just thinking about letting them go. I am still convinced I get so attached to objects because I feel so detached from my extended family and its history.

The first ones came in the mail!

Living Alone.

Living alone, here in the mountains, is different than living alone in an apartment in SF.

In the apartment, I am only feet away from many, many people. When I am there, I am out of the apartment more than in it. I interact with others all the time.

In the mountains, I do see and speak with other humans (though mostly over the phone or computer). I am in the house more than out of it. I am more alone.

Those of you that know me, know that I am a social person. I find myself laughing out loud. I send more emails. I get VERY excited about getting DVDs in the mail! I miss the babies (which means I'm on flickr often)!

It might snow this weekend, but the weather has been beautiful...sunny and clear. The critters, the smells, the weather, and the quiet all have me thinking I should be investing here. In real estate, that is.

I have decided that I need to be eating more fruit. Why I decided this in the middle of winter when it is difficult to get fresh fruit, especially organic, is beyond me. That being said, I've been working on some bananas and a pineapple. I disliked pineapple when I was a kid, but like many other things, I'm learning to love it as an adult.

Ok.

Isn't this how everyone gets water?

The snowy part looks much bigger from the deck.

The camera never does it justice.

If only!