The big apple.

I am here. I am jet lagged. I am happy to see the people here. I am thankful for down coats. It is currently "29, feels like 19". It is in the balmy upper 70s in the apartment.

The little one has a bit of a cold today, and doesn't know if she's coming or going. I hope she feels well tomorrow, as her mama is off to work, and I'm not sure how much of a comfort I am to her.

We saw an albino peacock today. If you ever get the chance, you should see one too. They are spectacular.

I'm sure I had more to say, but am too sleepy to remember what it was.

My big fear.

This evening someone I know quite well, but whom doesn't know that much about my past, said something important.

"I thought of something you could do for a career. Take a year and get your teaching credentials and teach." He had no idea that was my original intention. I don't want to teach in a school, but I do want to teach. Am I supposed to be a teacher? If so, how, what, etc?

I am also going through a revival of my environmental awareness. A rededication. This brings up the old emotional conflict that developed when I was younger. When looking for the truth about the world, I find it hard to ignore it, once I've found it. Knowing that I cannot always make the perfect and correct choice tortures me. Knowing that it often puts me in conflict with some of my loved ones is very hard. My challenge now is to find the path AND the joy. To reduce the conflict.

My wanna-be honey.

In his natural habitat. I stole this from Flickr, so sue me.

Where is my head?

Two nights in a row I dreamt someone loved me. I mean that a man loved me.

The first night I was walking through the woods, on a shaded, but warm path. I ran into an old friend. We talked. We were so open to each other. In real life, and in my dream, he is married. In the dream I reminded him that he loved his wife, and nothing else mattered. It just felt so good to love and be loved.

Last night was even better. I met a famous man. I won't mention his name, but he is very funny, cute, talented, and on a television show set in a hospital. He loved me, and I already love him. It was perfect. He was so nice and cuddly. He came in for a cuddle, and declared me STINKY! It was so funny. I explained the pipes were broken, and could he just give me an hour then we could live happily ever after without the stink. Then began a strange process. I was ushered into some sort of cleaning/beautifying warehouse/spa-like place. It was very fancy. There were large tiled rooms with multiple huge showers, baths, and saunas. There were built in vanities with copious amounts of designer shampoos, soaps, perfumes, etc. Big, fluffy towels and robes were scattered about. There were assistants to help every step of the way. Imagine the cleaning and polishing scene from the Wizard of Oz. I was so excited and nervous. It seemed to be taking forever, and I was very afraid he would change his mind before I was done.

Oh, to be in love and stink free.

Lummylicious!

Gorgonzola mac and cheese, with crumbled roasted walnuts and minced granny smith apples on top.

The company was its usual goodness too.

Felt bad for the SF household. One cold, and two sick tummies. Oh dear!

I love, love, love..

I love that I am 32 and I am excited about drinking decaf coffee at midnight.
I love that I am 32 and excited about having a semi-slumber party with my new, so to speak, roomie.
I love that someone I have come to love, loves to grow a flower that I love.
I love that other people think it is important to grow the same flowers their parents and grandparents did.
I love that I feel more smiles these days.
I love lots of things, and I hope you do too.

THE shower.

I came back to the urban life today. I came in, dropped my bags, and hopped STRAIGHT in the shower! I must be getting old. I like being clean now. Frozen pipes are a challenge. I cleaned everything three times.

On the way here, I pondered the myth of the "Wild West". I think any real cowboy wouldn't have very long hair. Too hard to clean and take care of.

THE conversation.

So, today I had a conversation I have been waiting at least six (and maybe 13) years to have.

It was with a man I have shared my heart with. A man that I feel was destined to be in my world. We met at an impressionable age and helped to shape each other's worlds. We weren't always nice to each other, but we have had many great moments. He has been absent from my regular existence for several years now. Today he came back. Today we are friends. Today we are in the place we were supposed to in all along. I feel happy and relieved. I am so thankful for old friends (and, dare I say it, Myspace for helping me find him).

Growing out of it.

I have this condition that I call Sunday Night Panic. It started when I was a kid. I wasn't exactly in love with school. I always felt behind either socially or academically. School was a place where there was a lot of pressure. I never felt like I measured up to one standard or another.

As a result, I loved those times I was not at school. I loved summer. I loved weekends. I did NOT love Sunday nights. I always ended up in a panic. I felt like I hadn't done my homework. I felt like there would be a day long pop quiz. I felt like I would be the butt of a week long joke.

Here I am, 32 years old, I have no school or job to go to (per se) in the morning, but I still have the Sunday night panic. I'm working on it. If anyone has suggestions, let me know. :-)

All new and fresh.

This thing now tells me I'm all new and fresh, straight from the non-beta world. How do I look? Do I sparkle?

Highly unlikely! The pipes are frozen, and neither the dishes, nor I, has had a bath today. Last night I had strange dreams. One was full of all the things from yesterday. My brain is quite creative managing to squeeze all that stuff into one dream.

I intend to create a proper schedule for myself. I find I'm not eating at regular times.

Oh, and after watching a Biography show, I have decided I need a Clint Eastwood, the later years.

Rural industry.

Floating to the top.

1. I've been finding and being found by old friends on a certain, not to be named, website. It has been good and weird. I think the overall result has been a feeling that I know/understand myself better. I also realize that putting the love out there is a good, not to be scared of, thing. How's that for some grammar.

2. I like living here in the mountains. It is so pretty and cozy by the fire. I also like feeling like I am actually getting somewhere.

3. I found out the very cute place down the street is a vacation cottage, and that the owner does massage. I popped over there this afternoon to have my sore old muscles worked on. It was a pretty good massage, but of course I can never relax when I have someone new working on me. At least my brain can't. I thought of all sorts of things, but one thing was really important. Before we got started, I explained why I wasn't a massage therapist. As part of the explanation I mentioned that part way through massage school we lost my first niece. I had never verbalized that to anyone in that way. While I was being worked on I guess I finally admitted to myself, that losing her had a big impact on my emotional state while I was learning to do this very emotional work. I also admitted to myself that I never really let myself be sad enough about it. If admitting there is something wrong is the first step to fixing it, here's hoping. I don't feel sad about it. I mean I feel ok, or relieved, or whatever. :-)

May all of you have cozy fires, or dogs, or whatever. :-)

MY boys.

Are you there god, its me Heather?

I just want to say thanks for all my boys. They keep me sane while they make me crazy.

Don't forget the girls, of course. They keep me sane too.

Resolutions

Well, there was no New Years kiss, but there was certainly cheer and love. Between all the sniffles and coughs (minus me, thankfully) the whole family clicked glasses, then pretty much went straight to bed. Last year was really weird and wonderful. Every year I get very serious and dramatic this time of year and promise I will do more and grow more in the coming year. That being said, here are my plans:
1. I will get physically and mentally prepared to go to Switzerland.
2. I will go to Switzerland and hike approximately 110 miles.
3. I will practice with the new camera, and take great pictures with it.
4. I will do all my work well (Mammy and Poppy's house, etc.)
5. I will be more positive and kinder/friendlier with people.
6. I will buy organic cotton whenever possible.
7. I will reach out to more people.

I'm sure there should be many more, but only so many things can stick in my head.
I wish you all happy, happy New Years.