Herbert, Herbert, Bertha.

If I give birth, and I have a boy, his middle name will be Bert.
I will tell him he is named Bert for three reasons.
His grandfather.
His great grandfather.
His great great aunt.

Three people full of love, determination, and creativity.

So there.

Thank goodness! We need it!

I'm not sure when I wrote it.

I found this in an old notebook while I was cleaning out boxes from under my bed.

I can't wait to
leave behind this
fresh rain
martini lonely

the right thing
to forget

not frenetic
crystal
invigorating

slowed to absolute zero
dirty dish water
poisoning

moving to
fresh rain soaked sage
only
going
to
drink water.....ever.

How were you built?

All things change. As humans I think we can transform into beings that are true to our original design, that maintain the integrity of our original blueprint. The other option is to let the winds blow us into unnatural shapes, often resulting in something without stability or appeal.

Somewhere inside myself is a strong core, a deep root. It is imprinted with the essence of two words: gumption, audacious. They are buried deep at this point, but they are there, and I will access them.

That's how I was built.

What will the new story be?

Well, of course, it can't really be a NEW story. Stories can only be written from a particular knowledge base or set of experiences. The future is always informed by the past. So, what I am really attempting to do is refine and edit.

I want to find a career that I can find satisfying, both emotionally and financially. I have to admit, saying this at my age feels a bit silly. I'm shocked at how blind I can be to my inner workings. I'm trying to come up with the answer to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I am taking tests, and making lists. I was explaining it to a friend at lunch yesterday, and he said, "so you want a job as an Explainer." YES! I want a job as an explainer. Preferably explaining something to people that makes them want to protect and conserve the environment.

I want to have a clean and tidy home. I'm going through boxes, totally disgusted with the concept of junk mail.

I want a mate. I had a four month black-out from Mr. Urbane. It helped. I'm looking around, wondering what my options are. Learning to go ahead and speak up if something catches my eye.

I need a bigger social circle. I'm reaching out, getting out, hoping the money doesn't run out.

I'm feeling good, and will feel better when the house is clean and sorted. Even better when I'm making money.

Refine and edit. Do what I want to do. Yeah.

A time of dreams.

I'll explain more at the end.
I'm in a different space right now. Asking my self questions I've asked 1000 times, but prefacing them with an emphatic REALLY.
REALLY, why would ANYONE want to injest artifical sweetner.
REALLY, why do we buy things for our children that are made of petroleum, totally disposable, potentially toxic, made by abused people, and then shipped from half our world away.
REALLY, why does anyone pick up a gun and use it on another human being?
The questions go on and on. I'm a normally positive and optomistic person, but I feel an apocolypse coming. Very slowly.
And I feel I'm to blame, just as much as the next guy.
I rationalize and justify my behavoir all the time.
Moments I've had recently:
1. Having an out and out whine-fest about seeing the Aletch Glacier. I stated it should be seen before it disappears. The whole time I know the fact that I'm there, half a world away seeing it, is making it melt faster.
2. Blow drying my short hair. I'm a recent convert to blow drying, and "love" my 1800 watt hair dryer. I'm smacked in the soul with guilt. For every second I have it on, it is like burning eighteen 100 watt light bulbs. That is the equilivalent of about two horsepower (approximately what a car uses on idle). I actually have the thought, "Maybe if I just dry it part way?"
3. Having an internal and external dialog about which would be better, a diesel car running biodiesel, or a hybrid. The answer is not simple, and I cannot come up with good justifications for either. I need to walk. We need more trains and better buses.

It is all just this general and constant pondering happening just under the surface about energy. Energy's flow, consumption, and generation...laws of thermodynamics.
I believe in energy and what I will call the "natural order". If you ask me if I believe in God, I will say yes. To me it is all the same. Energy. There is a good open flow, and there is a way to block or disperse the flow. I want to help facilitate open flow, i.e be "good". Will I change my ways? I hope so.

It applies to my energy flow with other humans. The last few weeks have been full of dreams about such things. I am determined to be more open and generous.

So, the general catch-up. Costa Rica was awesome, so awesome the NY Gang is expecting a new member. ;-) Prep for England and Switzerland seemed stalled at every bend...so much so I wondered if we were getting some kind of message. Then I fell, in a silly, lazy way. My injured knee lead to much disaapointment and frustration for several involved. Oh well, it was beautiful, and carbon footprint guilt aside, we had a good time.

Now I am home, with essentially a clean slate on all fronts. Now I am just determining what the new story should be.
Love to all.

Sparkle, bubble, pop.

Well, I hope everyone had a super holiday! I was very happy to have the family in town. The three kids together were adorable, and mostly well behaved.

Unfortunately I got the flu on Christmas day, and was in bed for the next five days with no access to all the cuteness. I did get to catch up on old and/or cheesy movie watching though. I'm still a bit wobbly, but I did manage to make it out to work for a couple of hours today.

I have stuffed my computer to the gills with pictures, and have no room for uploading. I got various external drives, and will try to correct that situation ASAP. In the meantime, I am keeping a sharp eye out for a good deal on an old View Master style camera. I LOVED View Master reels as a kid, and would LOVE to be able to make my own.

I am feeling very emotional today. It is New Year's Eve, so it is to be expected. I am wishing the best for all of you, and also thanking you for all your love and support! :-) Happy New Year!

Mr Urbane

The Roomie and I

The best 80s Cover Band ever.

The fam.

Mrs and Mr KittyP cutting a rug.

Exactly how I feel.

Catching up with more old friends.

Catching up with old friends.

Mr Salsapants getting blown away.

Mr. Urbane's new furry guy.

Mammy and Pappy on a much deserved rest hike.

Ok, OK.

I KNOW!! I haven't posted anything in four months, but I've been busy.
We finished the house, and it is now on the market. It all seems like a dream now.
I went to NYC again to see my beloveds there. Then I came home, and came home. I went to Mrs. KittyP's hitching, which was great. Mis Cj has come to visit a few times, which rocks! I've spent the odd bit of time with Mr. Salsapants, and Mr Urbane. Mr. Urbane's furry, young man is bringing joy to one and all. I got a job driving around, which I don't like so much as I thought I would, but I won't keep doing it for long. At least I see the sun, and some insane houses. A-man has me making daily car reports about what I see each day. Miss EE is getting cheekier and chattier every day. The kids (all of them) are my joy. I am still wondering about my path/my purpose. I'll get there. Now, a story.

I went to get all my hair hacked off the other day, and then, after his haircut, A-man and I had some pancakes at IHOP, two doors down. It is amazing to see the little man he is becoming. We were eating, and all of a sudden he said, "Isabella's tooth is loose." We had a nice little chat about the tooth fairy, and I wondered if the idea of your teeth falling out was scary to him. Then, a few minutes later he turned and asked, "Do you love Mom?" I explained that I love,love,love,love,loved her, as I do all my loved ones. Then we proceeded to make lots of funny faces at each other.

I am looking very forward to the next few days with the family, and then the tropical days with the family soon there after.

Peace, love, and joy to you all.

Twins.

This morning I had a dream. I was pregnant. I have no idea who the father was, and in the dream it didn’t seem to matter. I was at the hospital getting ready for the births. There seemed to be some fussing about in regards to comfortable robes etc. Mammy and S were there. I was pretty calm. I was very specific with the nurses etc. NO vaccinations! I was lying around and nothing was happening. I got up and went for a walk. I was outside and S was with me. I think CJ might have been there too. I was talking to someone about the baby, and I looked down and realized my belly had gotten a lot smaller. I was a bit worried at first, until S said, “It is because the baby is most of the way out!” I looked down and she was right. I sort of thought, “WOW! How could I have not noticed!” She took the baby, and I remember seeing some goop (ICK!), and then she said something about the way it looked and that there was another baby. The other baby popped out with no problems. There was no pain and little effort in the process, and I remember thinking, “Walking really does make birth easier!” Both of the babies were boys, but they were total opposites. Of course they looked more like one year olds than newborns, but one had brown eyes and brown hair and the other had blond hair and blue eyes. I had very strong feelings about these boys. I loved them instantly and fiercely. It didn’t matter that the daddy was a complete mystery. The family was very excited, and I knew they would help out. I overall feeling was that I WANTED these boys, they were MINE, and that they were MEANT to be.

I have no idea what the boys were supposed to represent.