Heaving.

I'm having a "what the hell is wrong with me" day.
The weekend was strange, and I didn't get much done.
I was hoping I would get an invite to hang out with PC Friday night, but instead I got an irritating phone call made in a car full of "the guys" telling me we could still do something Saturday, but that he had made other plans for Sat. A.M. that would eliminate all possibility of a trip to the Aquarium. I was mad, but didn't want to talk about it [not while he was in a car full of snickering guys]. Now, I had PMS in a big way, and couldn't let it go. I did something I try not to do and got dramatic. I sent him a text message (which, thinking his phone was dead, didn't think he'd get until MUCH later) saying that I'd just rather not hear from him again. Four minutes later I got an apologetic call. At that point, I was tired, hungry, irritated, hormone filled, and on the verge of tears (again, I'm not much of a crier). I told him I didn't want to talk, but that he could check his email later.

Skipping some of the details, we ended up hanging out Sat. night. We had a good discussion (which felt very adult) about neither of us wanting to get too serious too fast. It was good and open, and I explained that above all else I just want respect and honesty. We agreed there was no need for exclusivity at the moment. It lacked the passion one associates with a good romantic relationship, but it felt more adult than any other situation I've gotten close to. The only hitch is, I gotta tell ya, the girly part of me still feels a little rejected. The Cinderella part still wants Prince Charming, or at least the strong minded, independent cowboy who's totally head over heels without being smothering. I'm so dorky! ;-)

Sunday I saw the ocean. It was beautiful. Green and blue and the waves were heaving, rolling, spray was blowing off the tops. It felt like me.

Last night I started a list of my "little goals". Those things I'd like to do or experience in my life just for myself. For example:

Hike the Haute Route in Switzerland
Become proficient at Ballroom Dancing
Spend time in the south Pacific
Make Narrow Vision official and publish at least one thing
Go to Machu Picchu
See a bamboo forest in China or Japan
Sleep in a yurt in Mongolia
See cherry blossoms, hot springs, and temples in Japan

Now today, I feel unhealthy and directionless. Like the waves rolling fiercely. Heavy and persistent, wearing down those things I come in contact with, and dissolving.

That being said, I'm not in a bad mood. I just REALLY want to get somewhere, be strong, meet my goals, and serve my purpose. Oh and be kissed REALLY passionately on a regular basis.