How were you built?

All things change. As humans I think we can transform into beings that are true to our original design, that maintain the integrity of our original blueprint. The other option is to let the winds blow us into unnatural shapes, often resulting in something without stability or appeal.

Somewhere inside myself is a strong core, a deep root. It is imprinted with the essence of two words: gumption, audacious. They are buried deep at this point, but they are there, and I will access them.

That's how I was built.

What will the new story be?

Well, of course, it can't really be a NEW story. Stories can only be written from a particular knowledge base or set of experiences. The future is always informed by the past. So, what I am really attempting to do is refine and edit.

I want to find a career that I can find satisfying, both emotionally and financially. I have to admit, saying this at my age feels a bit silly. I'm shocked at how blind I can be to my inner workings. I'm trying to come up with the answer to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I am taking tests, and making lists. I was explaining it to a friend at lunch yesterday, and he said, "so you want a job as an Explainer." YES! I want a job as an explainer. Preferably explaining something to people that makes them want to protect and conserve the environment.

I want to have a clean and tidy home. I'm going through boxes, totally disgusted with the concept of junk mail.

I want a mate. I had a four month black-out from Mr. Urbane. It helped. I'm looking around, wondering what my options are. Learning to go ahead and speak up if something catches my eye.

I need a bigger social circle. I'm reaching out, getting out, hoping the money doesn't run out.

I'm feeling good, and will feel better when the house is clean and sorted. Even better when I'm making money.

Refine and edit. Do what I want to do. Yeah.

A time of dreams.

I'll explain more at the end.
I'm in a different space right now. Asking my self questions I've asked 1000 times, but prefacing them with an emphatic REALLY.
REALLY, why would ANYONE want to injest artifical sweetner.
REALLY, why do we buy things for our children that are made of petroleum, totally disposable, potentially toxic, made by abused people, and then shipped from half our world away.
REALLY, why does anyone pick up a gun and use it on another human being?
The questions go on and on. I'm a normally positive and optomistic person, but I feel an apocolypse coming. Very slowly.
And I feel I'm to blame, just as much as the next guy.
I rationalize and justify my behavoir all the time.
Moments I've had recently:
1. Having an out and out whine-fest about seeing the Aletch Glacier. I stated it should be seen before it disappears. The whole time I know the fact that I'm there, half a world away seeing it, is making it melt faster.
2. Blow drying my short hair. I'm a recent convert to blow drying, and "love" my 1800 watt hair dryer. I'm smacked in the soul with guilt. For every second I have it on, it is like burning eighteen 100 watt light bulbs. That is the equilivalent of about two horsepower (approximately what a car uses on idle). I actually have the thought, "Maybe if I just dry it part way?"
3. Having an internal and external dialog about which would be better, a diesel car running biodiesel, or a hybrid. The answer is not simple, and I cannot come up with good justifications for either. I need to walk. We need more trains and better buses.

It is all just this general and constant pondering happening just under the surface about energy. Energy's flow, consumption, and generation...laws of thermodynamics.
I believe in energy and what I will call the "natural order". If you ask me if I believe in God, I will say yes. To me it is all the same. Energy. There is a good open flow, and there is a way to block or disperse the flow. I want to help facilitate open flow, i.e be "good". Will I change my ways? I hope so.

It applies to my energy flow with other humans. The last few weeks have been full of dreams about such things. I am determined to be more open and generous.

So, the general catch-up. Costa Rica was awesome, so awesome the NY Gang is expecting a new member. ;-) Prep for England and Switzerland seemed stalled at every bend...so much so I wondered if we were getting some kind of message. Then I fell, in a silly, lazy way. My injured knee lead to much disaapointment and frustration for several involved. Oh well, it was beautiful, and carbon footprint guilt aside, we had a good time.

Now I am home, with essentially a clean slate on all fronts. Now I am just determining what the new story should be.
Love to all.